venting

Well I'm loosing it my friends. I tjhought it was my last therapy appointment the other day but to my surprisse the therapist saw thhrough my smile probally cause i burst out crying. I now a little over two months have gone from mild to cronic depression. She said I have had depression my whole life. I have been seeing her since I was freakin five yes that is howmessed up i am. Now im on double depression meds and many other meds in total i take 7 pills each day non are vitamins all serve a purpose and help me stay sane and have a balanced blood pressure hehe. I feel drugged up all the time and feel like i need to just cry all the time and im not that kind of person who cries out of the blue im not dramatic i try to hold in my tears wen im around other people and luckily im cyber schooled so the kids and teacher cant see me they can only hear the choked up girl on the other side. Today I went to this pa cyber picnic (stupid school activity for students to acctually meet eachother) it was a 45 minute drive and i was excited cause i thought that i would have a good time you should have seen me i told my mom and sis to go home and ill call wen im ready to come home here they thought i was haveing a ball but the truth is i was scared shitless i sat under a tree and watcheed all these teens laughing and talking and playing sports.......the last time i was around that many teens was the day i walked out the doors of my school the last day of gettting beat up and almost raped each day getting teased and mocked and laughed at I left teenagers in my mind as bad things i don't ever want to feel the way i did in public school i dont think i could do it again sumtimes i wish those chains and punches would have killed me im just so different and so misunderstood i dont want to care wat people think but i do and i hate it. o yeah so i surprisingly sat under the tree for three hours without even being noticed i mean pople were watching me but no one dared to get close do i give off a bad vibe or soomething o my gosh and i called my moom and told her that i was ready i saw the car and didnt even wait for her to park the car i had to get out i balled the hole way home and my mom felt terrible and i felt terrible for yelling at her wen she tried to hug me and say everything was ok never touch me wen im in that state of mind u may loose an ear haha. i dont want to be this basket case all my life i dont want to die yet im affraid of myself im affraid of being alone but i am alone most of the time luckily my dogs love me and are my life. now i have to go to therapy every week ugh. i feel like shit haha but im trying not to complain to much thats why i wrote this. thx for reading if u did

Jill

Hang in there Jill. You know at least one person in this world cares, and Maul be thee.
I remember going on a camp similar to the one you are talking about. I met a girl called Rosie who was alot like you actually - she had been on medicine for almost her entire life and was very different, however that made her special in my own mind. Why be the same as everyone else I think?
Its what you alone do, not what everyone else does.
I hope that one day your life gets better, you may not see it now but there is a reason for life. There is a reason to hope.
If by living you helped only a single person then your life has purpose...it may not be something big like being the next rock-star or the creator of some new technology. Something as simple as making another feel better could be all that you need to feel as though you can be a gift to other people and the world. It breaks my heart that I can't be there to hug you, and tell you that there is hope - but know that I want to.
Start small - thats what I did. You find things in your life that you like, such as your dogs for example, I love my dog as well, in fact i talk to him and enjoy his company more than I enjoy most other peoples. Your dog loves you unconditionally, you would be without this if you did not have life.
Consider maybe you have a particular food you like, maybe apple pie or chocolate - you can't have either without the gift of your life. Take things slowly, realize that you are gifted, realize that there are kids growing up in third-world countries dying of malnutrition, and yet we wake up always fed in our technologically adept houses. You should take a look at the things around you in a different way. The world looks different when you consider what it would be like to be without it.
For all the pains that it has to offer there are also many gifts and wonders which we manage to take for granted.
Something as simple as watching the sun-set and the stars appear, while leaves toss in the wind is amazing. When you tear yourself away from the world for a moment you begin to see it in a new light.
I still don't love myself, but I love what I can give the world, and you in time will learn to do the same. Our lives aren't important anyway, its what we do with them. Be loving, be the person you are, and your existence will not have been in vain.

heaps of Love from Maul

Oh dear, oh...........
you poor soul jill,you poor soul.Remind yourself it's a dark tunnel but the light it's just ahead don't give up

maul be quiet wise. You are right i should look at all the things that people are going threw right now i used to always do that but i guess i lost touch with my soul it was so scared it ran away i guess. i no there is a reason im here but is there a reason i must go threw this all at once why not in sections of my life why all at the same time. thank you my friend. i love you

please dont feel bad for me bruno i hate that it makes me feel hepless and wat im going threw isnt the worst thing ever but i thank you for your care

I just feel so discarded.
Everyone around me is so stupid, they believe the same thing because they are too dumb to think outside the square and just want to please their friends. I want to be myself and I'm cast out because of that.
I hate being what another person wants me to be.
I just wish I could feel, so I could at least work up enough emotion to kill myself and end this worthless life.
But I can't even do that. Its just this endless internal numb.
I am sick of not being stupid enough to hang around girls. Girls piss me off so much, I only know three that have anything resembling intelligence and two of them are on this site.
Its fucked.
I'm fucked.
I just want this nightmare to end.
Why is it that being stupid is a good thing these days? WHY!!!
Why is it so cool to know nothing about anything and live on superficiality?
I want to kill people and I want to kill myself. But I cannot do either.
I want to hurt people. I want to scar them for life the way I am scarred.

look we all want this nightmare to end but it will not end until we are threw learning the lesson that we came to earth for there is a reason we are alive and there will be a reason we die. Maul, i think ur reason that ur alive is to keep me alive and realize im not alone well probally not but i love you for that ive realizerd that death isnt the answer and that im needed and my life may suck but so do alot of peoples lives if my friend is 50 and failed suicide 12 times then i can live too everyone i sorround myself by is or was suicidal and has issues just like me and thats what you need to do, you need to sorround yourself with people who understand and care. everyone is fucked up i mean life is fucked up its just how it is sometimes.

i know this isnt hte right way to think about it but i started a college couse recently and i went in all guns blazing, no way was i going to let someone else ruin my life with words or actions. i thought, I AM A GOOD PERSON, I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE HERE, AND IF PEOPLE DONT LIKE ME, FINE. ive made some good friends and i keep the bullys of the class scared of me, im myself, no one else, and i know its not healthy to hide the way i feel but ive been honest about my condition, i just dont show it. i wont let people see im weak because in actual fact, im not. ive gotten through more than alot of people my age would have. one of my favourite people in my class is bi-polar, and i couldnt even tell, even after she told me i couldnt see it. its the frame of mind that you have that sets you up for the day. you dont give off a bad vibe, you give off a "im scared, and im sad, and i dont want you to talk to me" if you are goin to that thing again say to yourself "im goin to be positive, if only for a while. im going to be forthright, and open, but most of all im going to be myself"