Introduce yourself

Hi im Hana, im the moderator. I created this forum because i have a video on you tube, and over the past couple of months i have had a lot of people messaging me for help. This is for those people, and the people that dont dare ask for help and just want to listen. This is our space, we dont have to pretend to be anything here, just who we are, and how we feel.

I have had depression for nearly 5 years now, and its been a long hard struggle. Things get from bad to worse to good, always up and down all the time, but always i have a smile on my face. I pretend im ok, in the hope it will make me feel ok.

I keep moving forward.

Welcome to OutReach

Hana x x x

thanks for the link here, H.

erm. I'm from New York, but I've lived in Jersey too, and in Europe (Spain, briefly France) for a year and a half. I'm a writer and poet, a cinephile, and a record collector. unfortunately, I have tons of psychological problems, beginning with depression, an over-obsession with nihilistic and existential philosophy, and a problematic hatred of being sober or bored. I guess I came here because most people think me feeling down is some kind of affectation or "image", like I'm trying to be the poster boy for troubled youth. and I liked Hana's film.

aww thanks nick!

your brother is about the sweetest kid I've ever seen, too.

Hey there...
My name's Kelly, I've been living in Connecticut in the US all my life now. I've always been emotional, but I've just started to feel the effects of sadness just recently, about a year and a half ago, though I never got diagnosed. I usually play video games, and I read a lot of books. I once got into lyric writing, but I've held off on that and began writing a comic. I have tried to write a book... but that's been held off, too, for a while now. I'm really into music and art, though - I'm trying to get into a good art school that may be willing to accept me, although I haven't been getting the best grades in the liberal arts areas. Family's still intact, though my siblings have all moved away... but I'm not sure if it's a good thing, because I strongly believe my dad has anger issues.
I found Hana's video on depression on YouTube when I was trying to get a better picture on what it was and to see if I may have it... which may or may not have been helpful, had I not come across the video in the first place. I private messaged her (I was PlummetSound... er, hi Hana) and she gave me some really helpful advice as well as a link to this website. So... thanks.

no worries kelly its what im here for.

hi i'm tobias,
i like very few things, including graffiti, skating, music.. and that's it, i really like to eat but i'm scare of getting fat... like really fat because i use to eat so much. I'm from illinois USA, chicago if you know of it. well not chicago but close to it... people don't seem to know where bartlett is.... well i'm alone... not just alittle, 100% alone and miserable, suicide attempts never seem to work out well for me... i'm hoping some one else will take me away. I don't like people... i don't know what to say or talk about, specialy girls... i'm shy, lonely, quite and depressed all the time, no one seems to notice yet how miserably i am all the time but i hope my parents will suspect something and put me on some medication to make me happy again, i go to a private catholic school 30 minutes from my house.... it sucks and i hate every part of it, the uniforms, the people, which are all extremely rich as hell, the food, the classes, the teachers, my locker, i could name on person i don't mind at that school but like i said i'm not good with talking to girls so forget that. i'm only 16 and my life up to this point has been drugs, running from cops, and just trying to stay away from the word sober... well a month ago me and the 3 friends i had got busted big so i can't hang with them and i've only been sober since april 6, 2007 and it's felt like a year at least... i'm lost and confused on so manythings, .... please talk to me...

Hello there, Glad to finally be meeting some people who know what a large portion of my life has been taken by!
I'm talking of course about that dark tree growing inside. It's dead but at the same time it spreads like a virus.
I live in Australia, in a town that literally breeds apathy because the majority of the kids my age (16) seem hell bent on getting drunk because there is nothing else to do. Its pitiful, and because i don't drink and never will I detest them all.
I have few friends, and absolutely no-one who understand me, not really...I keep myself distanced from people and I have heard that I am mysterious. Perhaps this is true. Perhaps it will always be the case.
I am a writer, so for those of you on this website who love the escape of a good book you will find me a very profitable friend as I am nearly finished a manuscript that I hope will somday rock the world and get published. I am aiming high to bring myself up out of the hole that my life plunged into when depression took hold, I am now doing distance education at my home, I prefer not having contact with people you see because it drives me to anger; I am haunted by the fact that I am largely regarded as a 'Queer' by the school society that I left because i was imaginative. For those of you who do not understand the slang of Australia that means a gay person. I am not gay, but there is no way to kill a rumour or a perspective...guys in Autralia are taught by their lame-ass dads that anyone who doesn't like sport and cries is therefore gay.
So growing up for me has been hard.
I hope I can talk to more people here, and thanks for the link Hana.

Maul Twilight - i'm here for you, i am also 16, it seems that we have similar problems with our lifes... well on april 4 of this year me and the only 3 friends i had got busted doing drugs, wich helped me supress my feelings... and yeah i had a good time but i always knew that it was bad. and when we got busted my parents demanded that i didn't hang out with any of them ever again... i'm lonley, but i'm tring to get better at being alone, like finding things that i can do by myself, like skate, i find it amazing that you are in Australia... not to be mean but i didn't know how technology is down there... it's just that i have only left the U.S. once and being a U.S. teen... well... yeah... but i'm glad that you find outreach, i'm glad to have you join in our conversations!

no worries! welcome here!!! i know what you mean about being around people makes you angry. it used to make me angry, i pretty much skipped the last 6 months of school because i just couldnt listen to shoes make up and boys anymore. not exactly my idea of problems!

im from sweden and im 15 years old ive been depresed for 3 years now well.. there isnt much to it really i just got depresed. yea i know im a terible writer and i suck at english.. but anyways i spend most of my days just locked up in my room reading or just doing nothing at the computer i have a bad experience with friend and well it feels like im better of without them.. ive been lonley most of my life and i tend to never realy show how i feel and well after ive seen that video i just couldnt accept it anymore... i realy hope i dont regret it.. yea and this is the first forum ive joined ever.. so i really dont know if this comes right

you're welcome here, im sure we can skirt round the language problem, i jsut feel kinda ignorant that i dont your language when your apologising for the way you speak mine!!! anyways welcome home. x

I'm from Belgium and am currently 19 years old. Got here through youtube (I'm Rambonk ) I've been depressed for about 4 years now. I've always been a bit quite, a thinker, what many people seem to actually be scared by, because the few things I do say are usually quite thought out, often misunderstood, and usually not exactly optimistic. I used to be very interested in writing and digital art, but neither of those entertain me any more. It's not that I don't want to, just that I can never keep it up for longer than 15 minutes anymore. Now that I think of it, I think I can see how long I've been depressed by checking my ol DeviantArt acoount, the last poetry up there was quite depressing.
My main interest right now is music, either something downbeat, or experimental, or destructive (breakcore). I've been producing for a few years, but lately nothing seems worth pursueing anymore. It's going down the same path as writing/art lately, which is really pissing me of, 'cause music is my life.
I'm attending college, but haven't been to a single class in a month or two, pretty much sick of the world and the allround ignorance of people. I also find that people always seem dumber than me, save a few exceptions. It's not that I want to brag ,here and now is actually the first time I mention this, except for to my psychologist. Yeah the last year of High School I went to the school shrink every week, which I still find one of the greatest persons I've ever met. She got me to do an IQ test (while I was stoned) which came up 128. Seeing that 130 makes you "gifted" (or cursed, trust me) and I was stoned as hell, I'm apparently gifted. She then explained to me that some of the problems I'm having will never leave, such as the feeling of being disconnected from other people, feeling smarter, and mostly, being completely misunderstood half of the time. I'm often also pretty scared of my own thoughts, for they often go "out of control", towards dark corners even I often didn't know existed, which can really scare the shit out of me. This has got me some truly frightening nights here in my room, but it's hard to explain this. I don't know if anyone here ever experienced such a thing. 'Cause I'm not talking about the usual depressed thinking where you constanly link one thing to the next. It's more like a bombardment of my brain, which begins with with bad thoughts, then random sick imagery and emotions, and just really truly wanting to smash my head in to the wall to stop it. It usually ends curled up on my bed, crying, wishing I was dead. Thankfully I already know I shouldn't kill myself, I just know that there will always be atleast that one more little moment, I wouldn't have wanted to miss before I die...

Oh and about the stoned, yeah, I started smoking weed 2 years ago, which is now a daily habit I'm trying to get rid of. Believe me, it ain't helpful for a depression, even though it really seems that way in the beginning. Been clean all week now, which is the longest time in, well, a long time. It's just that, I really really enjoy shutting of my head. If anyone still thinks I was bragging, I got addicted to weed to feel DUMBER, I truly (usually) don't enjoy being smart. Pff what else what else...
Oh I also DJ, but I never feel like getting into all the human contact to set up some gigs. Not that I mind that myself, it's something I've always done to help myself, great way to get my mind off things.

Home. Pffffff. Now there's a place that sucks. My mother has got some serious anger issues (and depression, I'm thinking that if it's genetical, it's from her) and is the only person who can get the worst out of me (got me to break my hand by hiting a wall over and over and over....) While I usually NEVER get angry, I don't know, it's just this dominating thing in my head: getting pissed just make troubles worse. But yeah, she really knows what buttons to push. And I know she's got issues herself, i know that. But that just makes it harder. I love her for the good moments, which make the bad all the worse... But things have been weird ever since she got breast cancer last year. It was found really early, so it wasn't really bad, but still. She started getting better since then, but I don't know. I think shes just supressing it more then ever before, 'cause the last fight we got in... But anyways, than you have my dad. I always liked, up untill a year and a half ago. He wanted a divorce, didn't go through in the end, and now he's CONSTANTLY being a fucking asshole at home, ruining those few good moments that sometimes arise, so now there's just nothing left. I don't like going home anymore. I just wanna stay here, in my room, far from home. Home is just a house now, cold and empty.

Guess I'll stop writing now, the rest'll come up in other threads I guess. Glad to be here, big fan of the idea. Self support groups on the internet: maybe we should even exchange some phone numbers to people living closest to us (which is probably really far ) for when it gets too much .

Oh and kainy, you won't regret it: always fight those bad feelings. Getting outside is the first step. I don't mean run back to your friends, just, take a daily walk to start with. Preferably with some relaxing music on. Doesn't matter where to, although it's better to find some green than a city. Next to putting your mind off of bad things, you'red also opening your life up again to perhaps a chance encounter, some new things, just, life in general. Who knows, you might make some new friends, or just meet some interesting/friendly stranger. A random girl suddenly asked me if I was okay a few weeks back. She just thought I looked really sad. A stranger! A stranger was actually the first to see it! Really helped, even though we didn't really talk about anything. Just, gave me new hope for this world. Stopped me from going completly insane. Well, i'll end it here, take care everyone.

Edit:Damn, even longer than I thought. Well, I didn't re read this, so if anything's weird or incorrect just say it, english is my 3rd language so not a 100%

Hail everyone.
Thank you Hanalara for that link. Maybe I will stay here for a while. Weird but I really have no idea why I'm here. I didn't expect any help for my problems, which is bad, in your opinion, I know. But being depressed is very complicated, u know it too.

Well, I live in Poland - the most fucked up country in the world, where each "gray" person means shit for government. Place where speedways cant be build because of robberies and corruptions. I could write at least one page of absurds happing here. I dont want to die here...

I'm 20 years old. People call persons like me as metal man. You know what I'm writing about. Ya, long hair, mostly black clothes, those heavy shoes (havent idea what its called in Eng.).
My depression (havent any clinical proof so u can call it just like u want) started few years ago. I somehow lived normal with very nasty experience from childhood. And when I had school problems because of my memories I fell down and I gave away my secrets to mother. I thought it will be easier from that moment but it became only worse... Misunderstaning and blaming only me. I gave up and decided to dont talk about this anymore...
Today it doesnt matter at all. Its hard to explain. Its too late, whatever. And I think I forgot about this, but I'm still sad. Sad with no reason. Just like that, everything sucks. I see people laughing and think "shut the fuck up, u sucks too!". The good thing of all this crap is only that I dont care about nothing and havent "worries". The thing is sick is that I dont want to be cured and now I'm lovin my depression. This is also weird, cant explain it easily. Maybe u will say that I'm wrong and I havent depression at all. But how can I explain situation when someone is thinking about suicide for a year? Meaningless.

I write too. But only when I am at the university, instead of listening. My texts are about sense of life, purposes of our lives and atheism. U know what my texts are without my explanations anyway.

Now I preffer to hide from others, listen to the music, go for walk with a dog, ride a bike. Everything instead meeting friends, having beer (I drink alone, haha) etc. If I survive all of this I will have to learn how to speak with people again.

The things which are still absorbing me are music and motorcycles. I played in a band for couple years but we had an other visions of playing (different genries). And for me it was harder to agree with the rest because of my egoism, ignorance and other things caused by my depression. And what is the worst - other guys are still playing and they dont care about my opinion now. Its not fair, because they are using the name of band which was born in my head and I started it. Well... doesnt matter anymore I think. Forgot about this.
Today I'm still playing guitar but its not the same. I just cant make something new, only stupid covers. Whatever. Oh..., shall I mention my favourite genries & bands? Okay, so mostly I listen to depressive/suicidal black metal... Yes, that is this called. Also some funeral doom and dark ambient. So as u can see music cant help me at all. But I love it and cant live without. Nice paradox. Music is killing me and keeping me alive too.
Another thing I love are motorcycles. I'm riding one and one thing must be said... There arent any better anti-depressive tool like bike. All thoughts are gone in one second and I feel freeeee. All what is important is how to take another corner... I cant even describe it. Its beatiful.

Today I'm thinking about giving up more seriously than ever and I'm waiting for some shit happens to me, which would help me to make a final step.

Hello everyone

My name's Bruno I'm from Portugal.I'm not depressed at the moment but i've been there some years ago.I went on with my life until 2 years ago i was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.Unfortunatly my simptoms affected my relation with the people that surruond me, my education and now it's just me and my family and triyng to get better... I was searching in yt about depression- i guess i needed to see if i was the only one feeling bad in the world- and found Hana's Nutter-6
Your film made me realise that i'm not the same person that i used to be 4 years ago, i've been lying to myself and i 've been scared to show my soul to society... but i'm glad i realised it . I guess you have my eternal gratitude

Hello everyone my name is Nick and I'm 18 from Indiana (America).

I've been depressed for 5 years now. I've never had really any friends except for my last year of elementary school. And then I went to highschool and I was back to being a loner which led to worse things.

I started cutting when I was a freshman in highschool (first year). But I won't go much into that I see you have a cutting thread so I might post that story there.

Ummm...what else oh I found this place because of Hana so thank you Hana again love your video.

I think thats it hope to talk to you all soon.

and you will no doubt get some silly ramblings and thoughts and interesting intelligent things you didnt think of. thank you for watching, and for coming

We welcome all, and we hope we can help you out a little aswell. I know it's been helping me

Hi im Jill im 13 and live in harrisburg PA ask me nething im an open book and am very good at keeping secrets if u keep mne o and even though im 13 i have many problems menttally and physically