Hows your day been today?

Tell us how your day has gone.

Gloat if its been a good day, or if something good has happened to you.

Whinge if its been a bad day, or if something bad has happened.

Just tell us how you are today.

quite weak so far.... Long as bike ride but at the end it felt good to accomplish something...

i was on the door at the deathstars gig near me. fucking industrial metal. it was the worst. very pretentious east europeans!

what a shit day. im sick of not leaving the house but dont have the energy, im sick of being in pain, im sick of having no money, im sick of being fucking sad and living this tragic mediocre life. rant over.

it's skate season! thought i lost my love for skating but i didn't, and now i skate again, it gives me something to do, all day, and gets me out and helps me loose wieght, so happy past few days... i met this kid that's 12, he's just starting skating so i'm teaching him all the basics too, starting not to be depressed...

i know what you mean, it feels great to take photographs, when i take them, it all blows away for a bit, just a shame i havent done enough recently

i got this message today from you tube

Quote :

Wouldnt fit in the comments so here you go.

Honestly i dont think your depressed but rather a teenager, it could be because your british and theres a culture gap. But i doubt it, ive been depressed for quite some time now. My father had cronic depression and just recently (as a father of two sons) committed suicide. You say that there are wonderful things in life, but the way i see life and the way my father saw life is similar to an aqueduct, you cant get out, you cant stop fighting to stay afloat, you have to keep going forward or youll be left behind, there is no rest, and after all that swimming and fighting you will one day die, and all that swimming and fighting will be for nothing. You say that your room is messy, well so is every other teenagers room. Mine is pretty immaculate, and has been most of my life.

Being depressed isnt about having a mixed up head or not being able to think straight, or even about being sad. Being depressed is about being "trapped" in life, you may be unsatisfied but what the fuck can you do about it? The feeling of being trapped robs you of all desire and thus leaves you drained of energy.

You talk about smiling and happiness but for me smiling is almost hypocritical. Because the only time i can smile or be satisfied with my life is when ive momentarily "forgotten" the about all the shit and little things that make life so static and dull. To know is to know pain, The Giver is a good example of this. After youve tasted depression ignorance is the only antidote.

When i was a little kid i though getting glasses or getting braces would be cool, that is of course until i got both. I think alot of (young) people think this way. I hope you realize that you are in fact dramatizing things a bit to much, as most teenagers do, of which in fact i am guilty of. I remember sitting in my room with no lights on listening to music thinking i was depressed(not suggesting you do that but to each his own). Life isnt easy for anyone, neither are relationships, and the stronger people choose to tough it up and not complain. But depression is a whole other ballpark.

in all honesty this hurt, so i replied in this way....

yeah, i see what you're saying. but i dont think its fair for you to tell people if they are, or arent, depressed. several doctors over the course of the past five years would tell you that i am, indeed, clinically depressed. i know i say this like im proud and like i want it, but i dont, i dont want to sit doing nothing allday, not thinkin about anything but myself, not feeling anything but pain or anger or deep saddness. i dont want to cry everyday, for no apparent reason in sudden bursts that come out from no where. and yes, my life isnt fantastic but i make do, and i do keep swimming, everyday, but i have to pretend its gonna be ok, because if i give up, i might as well commit suicide. i dont have depression because its cool, i have it because i have it, and i feel i have to be on the defensive. you have no right to tell anyone that i am just a teenager, you sound like my father. and people making those sorts of statements are what make people feel worthless. am i a hypocrite because i hide my feelings from my loved ones and laugh about being infertile when i actually could be? no i dont think so, im just trying to protect my self, because telling people how i feel actually gets me in to these sorts of situations where i hate my self even more. and dont you think that seeing life the same way as your father will only end the same way for you? dont you want to try and get out, you can keep swimming, but if you dont you drown. im not prepared to drown, no matter what anyone says. dont tell me my problems arent anything when you dont even know me, and dont say im just being a teenager when you're only 2 years older than me, acting the adult. who are you to say you're life is worse than mine? i made this video to show people how i feel, how my depressionm is, and in all honesty tht was a good day, because i did it. you will never see a truly bad day because i wont let you, and i wont have the motivation to record it.

did i handle this well, im so paranoid i made an arse out of myself

I think you handled that fine, but I just wouldn't have responded. that person is not you and doesn't know what you're dealing with, and should realise his depression does not have to be your depression because emotions are subjective anyway.

Hey

Just to respond to Hana's post about the quote, you did a good job explaining. Personally if something like that were to be directed at me I would have taken a lot of my anger out on them for it and had been... well... a bit more rude.

~~~~~

And... today just feels like a rant kind of day. Some jerks stole my negative strip for my photo class, so I can't find that anywhere... they were of my best friend, most likely my only true friend, and they were awesome pictures, too... and my teacher was being an arse about it as well. I hate him so much! He always finds multiple ways to piss off the students, and he's a gigantic hypocrite because he complains about us not doing our work when he's never in the room or the lab whenever we need his help the most! It's his first year here, too... you'd think that he'd be a bit more responsible. Also, I failed a test in history and my teacher pretty much put me down and yelled at me for telling him that we thought we should have more time (one of the classes every week is longer than the rest in the week... why not have tests then? It's not like it's a high class, either... I'm only in standard. Might as well bump our class to an 06 instead of 04. Hell, make it AP and throw in another essay in addition to the three we already have to do, not to mention the 'short essays', definitions, and multiple choice...) And today felt like it was 'national ignore Kelly day' because whenever I went to ask a teacher something they would either ignore me or put it off or answer vaguely with a reaction of '...what?' coming from me. Now I'm pissed off at my boyfriend for what will eventually turn into nothing by the time next month is over... I'm overwhelmed with all this crap, I apparently have a surprise party to plan, and to top it all off, when I was getting off the bus the rain made the steps wet so I slipped and had a nasty fall... Some guy helped me up and the bus driver asked me where it hurt so she can file some report... but I cried so much after that when I got into the house. I mean, you'd think there would be a point where the sponge is going to dry up, but no... I really want to scream every swear in the book and just give up for a few days at the same time...
A couple of days ago the guidance office at our school called me down. It was its therapist or whatever. She said my guidance councelor referred her to me, whatever that means. Anyway, I could tell she wasn't a very good one, because she and this other lady were making me wait ten minutes for them to finish their conversation... something about speech therapists (I mean, if you call me down, be prepared for me to show up!) Anyway, she finally let me in, and she introduced herself and stuff, and we got around to talking... it really freaked me out when she started to write stuff down, though... I thought we would just be talking. By the time that was over, though, I think it made me feel worse than I did before...
Okay, typed too much, going to get to bed... hopefully my parents'll allow me to sleep in a little more than I usually do... okay, I'm done, then.

Alright this is gonna sound really weird but I know why I feel the way i do.
I had a wonderful weekend, me and my oldest friend pretty much just sat there vegitated and watched movies or played Worms 3D (gotta love em) and chatted. But now that its over I feel really low.
Probably because I'm back to my lonely week. But I don't mean friend lonely, i want a girlfriend, I don't know they just make you feel special and I love that feeling.
But I can never hang on to a f#cking relationship; they always seem to slip right through my fingers, girls are so unpredictable and think in such different ways to guys that it is a struggle in sanity just to have a conversation with one, but all the same I can't forget the face of my latest love, we connected on a level that was so close. But now its over because she wants to move from her house because her family sucks and doesn't want me to suffer a heartbreak when she moves away, which i totally understand but still feel heartbroken at now anyway.
So I guess I'm not lonely for company, I'm lonely for love. Which is only enhanced by the fact that i am a guy...ha. oh geez I feel so...weird.

Maul Twilight - i understand how you feel and i think i can help you out, but first you need to find a girl that can fit the type you want to be with. talk to me once you find her. and don't suppress this feeling because if you do it's just going to hurt more in the future for various other reasons and you will loose the drive that you have to be activly social

Tommorrow I am going to be doing something crazy...I am going to be trying to get a literary agent to accept my manuscript for my first book! i can hardly believe i have the manuscript sitting there in an envelope ready to send if they say they are interested...I feel excited but oh so nervous at the idea that my dream...to be an established writer could well come true and I feel so confronted by that.
Getting alittle sleepy, I take these sleeping pills to calm me down for a good nights sleep. I will let everyone here know how it goes.
I am worried...But it should be okay, I'm trying to be positive. lol

im ill. today sucks. however, i watched leon and spiderman 3 and the new heroes. fucking love peter petrelli.

today was the first day i was tempted to cut in a long time.

i havent done so since i was 16, 2 and a half years ago now.

i went to fetch the nail scissors to cut my nails and im so hung up about my operation that i saw the scissors and my brain started to tick over.

i didnt do it

but i needed to tell someone i was tempted, so i wont be tempted for a long time again.

Hey Hana, i'll make a topic for cutting matters. but i know how it feels, and hope everything goes ok with the op.

Well this week I have been taking a break from schoolwork (for those who don't know I do schooling from home) and just trying to settle my thoughts down due to the fact that i have been really stressed lately and that makes my moods go out of wack.
I spent today (friday the 18th May) editing my book a little, shortening sentences...it took me all day to get through the book but I'm happy with it now.
I have started on its sequel as well, but I have to catch up on alot of schoolwork before i get back to writing again I think.
I was thinking of chatting with some friends tonight, inspired by the conversation I was able to have with Kainy on messenger...i would love to talk with Hana and Tobias but i guess our timezones are a long way off, I've only ever been on at the same time as Hana at 11:00 at night, where I was told to get the hell off the computer and go to bed. I waited just in case maybe i might be allowed to do something different for once but no my mum refuses to let me do anything cool.
Thats how boring my life is, i consider talking to people overseas exciting.
Right now as I write this I am wondering what I am going to do with my weekend. I think I'll probably be spending a large part of it doing schoolwork.
Damn.

Today I delievered a letter in person to a girl who was my very first girlfriend.
Now this was a weird experience, can anyone actually imagine doing such a crazy thing?
I popped it in her letterbox like a ghost, and dissapeared.
It was a note, asking her to forgive me for the circumstances of which we knew each other and for when I bullied her a little after that because I thought she was a slut, but alas I realized today that I don't want to have people against me when they shouldn't be. Throughout my life I have never bullied anyone
continuously, (i have picked on a few people in recent years but only playfully, and they know I'm playing with them) Except for this poor girl who I won't go into a lot of detail about. I called her names, and I regret being immature.
I sent a letter to her with instructions to e-mail to let me know that she forgave me and what do you know...
She did!
Amazing stuff, weird and surprising to say the least. I guess all it takes sometimes is a well meant apology to set things straight.
And yeah, I feel good about having done something to mend the past. There are many many many things in my life that will never be fixed, but here I managed to find one, and removed a grudge.

Go meet her in person. You'll feel even better after you've apoligized face to face, no matter how long it takes to get it over your lips

My day's been pretty lonelyjust like yesterday. Wondering how I'm gonna tell my parents I dropped out. For two months already. They're gonna go insane, 'cause, you see, my mother doesn't believe in depression with young people. And if she doesn't believe in it, it doesn't exist now does it? Ow yeah, if only existentialism really went that far. She doesn't believe in a fear of failure (how do you say that in english? Is there no shorter word or anything? In dutch it's just "FaalAngst", literally "FailureFear") which is the reason my 3 year older brother is now in the same grade as I am, an gets extremely sick every exam period, throwing up almost everything he eats. Yeah, sure mom, it's always a coincidence. Aaaah ranting again.

Good to hear she forgave, but the post before that worries me a bit. It started out with a break for me too, and 2 months later, still here, doing jack shit. Just, don't change the plan again, stick to it. One week break, make sure it stays that way. Just my thoughts. Cheers, take care.

Mmm. How was my night? Oh just great, next to the fact that I was awake to realize every second of it. Fallen into some kind of pit again, and I'm all anxious and panicky. But I have no idea why... Nothing happened or anything, I just...don't know. Not to mention that after a long period of trimming down the amount of cigarettes a day to about 10-15 I'm suddenly back at a full pack of L&M (25). Was such a damn stupid kid to ever even start, but that was 8 years ago :s.

You started smoking at Eleven, now I thought I knew fucked up, whoever gave you those smokes was evil. Pure and simple evil.

Maul Twilight wrote:

You started smoking at Eleven, now I thought I knew fucked up, whoever gave you those smokes was evil. Pure and simple evil.

My nephew. He was ten. How's that for fucked up :p. But nah, we were just a bunch of stupid kids who didn't know what they were doing. Trust me, if I had known...

I got rejected, how predictable.
She said she didn't want to go walking with me, she wasn't ready...wtf does that mean?
I'm not out to pick her up for gods sake I just want to have her as a friend.
*sigh*
oh well. back to my lonesome.

I have no friends. No-one who will listen to my shit anyways...

Feeling a little low, went to see Pirates of the Caribean 3 and left feeling a little disapointed, it seemed a little bit weak compared to what expectations had summed up for me. Hope things will turn out better when i go to see Transformers and Daywatch.
It made me feel depressed coming home from the movies, like usually when i go to the movies I leave feeling enlightened and so much better, like i had escaped to a little world for a while but this one dissapointed for some reason.
I want to spend more time with my new friend Jenny because I need someone to talk to desperately, but she doesn't hold the same interests as me. I found that out after meeting her and spending two hours in her room just trying to figure out her world and what she wanted to do with it.
She doesn't know.
And i feel let down by that, i had hoped she would feel like I do. Because I always had a gut feeling that she did but now i know that we aren't like each other its almost like a fantasy in my head died...hmmm Great Gatsby anyone?
i don't know what to do with myself now. Found out the literary agency i was in contact with was run by a con-man, so rigged. i was going to end up paying huge amounts of money. America is so corrupt. I fucking hate it. A retarded man sits as president and the people do nothing about it.
I thought about hurting myself last night and today.
There doesn't seem like much left, I'm going through a period of diminishing hope.
I hope things get better before they get to a stage that can't be fixed.

Is this real??????

I can't sleep.......... the tought just doesn't get out of my head is this real or am i dreaming?Is this a scam?Am i going to get robbed or something?My heart is running,im in pants i can feel the chair,my hands touching the keyboard,i hear the computer's noise the mouse in my hand this doesn't feel real.............My heart is running iam shaking
It can't be true...This has to be a lie........I can't realy be reading this stuff.I can't even think properly i have to stop.I just have drink some water...it felt like normaly it does.If this is a dream it's to close to reality.I haven't strengt in my hands they're shaking.I can't believe what iam reading....the only way of continuing to write this is to pretend this forum is a dream...
If it's a dream than it's a good one i'll stick to it.I hadn't such a good dream in my life in years at least that i can reamember.
Just pure soul without joking whitout labels stigmas all that crap...no lies,no fakes...
It must be my unconcious making this up inventing this people.
I will pretend this is serious.But even the net is fill with all that crap...
i'm a little calmer now.I have to stop thinking in this,if it's a dream then it won't end now if it's reality i'll appear more times.

Yes it is real.
Although despite the idea having its brilliance sadly the people involved don't turn up as regularly as i would like (every day would be good so i could feel needed) and some of them seemed to have abandoned the forum altogether such as Tobias, Hana, Nick, SilverXRain. They came once it seems then never again.
Expect to have replies from WReK, myself and Plorator but no-one else. We are all that remains from the origional casting of this place, i believe I am the only admin left as well...oh dear.